Barfly All-Stars: The Lost Sheep

(lost ˈshēp) The Lost Sheep (LS) can be someone as simple and unfortunate as a Lemondrop Girl or a Brotard who got separated from their pack, a yuppy who wandered into a leather bar or an elderly couple that mistook the storefront for the local bath house as a Denny's. More often than not, however, the LS is nothing more than a professional victim who wanders from place to place looking for anyone who will hear their never-ending tales of woe and misery. While many feel compelled to show a modicum of compassion for a person in need they soon regret themselves when after three hours of complaining the LS tearfully confesses that he/she has nowhere to live as her/his roommates just threw him/her out.

It is thankfully easy to spot an LS as they will almost certainly be the one person in a room full of cavorting and merriment that seems immune to any form of happiness. If the LS is attractive there will usually be an older gentleman buying the LS drinks in the hopes of a mutual pity fuck.

Common variations: Ex Jailbait, Rejected Fag Hag, Perpetual Runnaway, and most Strippers.

Behavior: LSs will sit around looking forlorn until someone feels bad enough to start talking to them, if no one strikes up a conversation before the LS spends their remaining rent money on booze the LS will go seek out a group of people having fun and begin to rain on their parade by reading off the laundry list of reasons that the world should feel as wretched as they do. The only way to get rid of an LS at that point is for the unlucky group of friends to excuse themselves to the bathroom one by one and not return in a complex game of Social Hot Potato where the loser is stuck babysitting the LS until such a time as they can escape while 'ordering another round'.

CAUTION: No matter how cute or sad an LS may be, under no circumstances should you offer them shelter unless you feel a sudden need for a new roommate that won't pay rent and won't leave.

Quote: "...and that's when my mother called to tell me that she was dying of cancer and that my dad had lost all of the family savings in Vegas..."

You have as much chance of getting a tip out of this person as they do of taking control of their own lives.