Barfly All-Stars: The Stuporstar

(stü-pər-stär) Living under the delusion that people care who they are, the Stuporstar (ST) selfishly believes that the world is poorer for not worshiping the ground they walk on and will do everything in his or her power to remind you of it.

STs are easy to spot: they're usually shoving their way to the front of the line while dressed like Brittany Spears on one of her worst crack benders. Projecting a palpable aura of misplaced entitlement felt from up to a mile away, the ST is out to ruin the world for not loving them enough while making a complete fool of him or herself. Too much lip gloss and designer knock-off everything together with a crowd of idiots equally as loud and vapid create a 'perfect storm' of regrettable human waste.

Common variations: Legend In His Own Mind, Local Celebrity, GayT&T, cast member of any reality TV show.

Behavior: Like a four year old holding his breath until they get what they want, only this four year old is twenty three, has a cheap weave and clothes two sizes too small for even the most anorexic teen beauty contestant.

CAUTION: The ST will rarely notice subtle hints that they are not welcome at your bar, so use language that is direct and to the point. For example: "Hey douche-tard, why don't you go die in a fire" works like a charm.

Quote: "Oh. eM. Gee. Do you know who I am!?!"

Barfly All-Stars: The Keyboard Kruiser

(kē-ˌbord krü-zər) A modern mutation of the Cruisey Suzy, the Keyboard Kruiser (KK) is a person who does the majority of their flirtations online through social networking and/or sex websites. Every once in a while a KK will leave their screen-lit den in a misguided attempt to prove to their online compatriots that they do in fact meet people in RL (Real Life). However, such ventures rarely bear fruit because learning to socialize with people whose faces they've never seen without the none-too-subtle help of Photoshop tends to leave them awkward.

An inability to make eye contact coupled with a tendency to blurt out "lol", "wtf", and "pwned," make KKs easy to spot even in the noisiest and most crowded bars. Many KKs are so used to interacting in a relatively consequence-free environment that they tend to over-share disturbing personal information without warning or provocation. This, combined with a tendency to be blithely unaware of human interaction outside of the text-message, makes many KKs obnoxious if mostly harmless bar guests.

Common variations: 400 Lb "Jock", 4Same, Wikiphile and Wrinkled Youth.

Behavior: Many KKs will be either overbearingly opinionated about any conversation within earshot or will find the nearest dark corner to huddle in while wishing that the bar had WiFi. Expect poor social skills and many, many awkward silences.

Quote: "zomgroflamaowtfbbq!!!!1"

Since most bars do not accept PayPal, getting a KK to wrap their head around the idea of Tipping can be a challenge.

Barfly All-Stars: Cruisey Suzy

(krüzē süzē) When a person's one and only purpose for leaving the house is to get naked and sweaty as soon as possible, they've entered into the realm of the Cruisey Suzy (CS). The CS pursues physical gratification to the exclusion of all else, with an aversion to strings that makes Pinocchio look like a bondage enthusiast.

While a CS comes in every shape and size, they're always easy to spot by the fact that they're never seen talking to potential receptacles of lust for more than a minute. Anyone that needs to talk longer than that is clearly going to take more effort than the CS is willing to invest. Look for shifting eyes that linger too long, coupled with mismatched attire scrounged from years of collecting other people's leftover clothing off the floor the next morning.

Common variations: Dirty Daddy, Cougar on Patrol, Ye Olde Towne Bicycle, and Emotional Biohazard.

Behavior: The hallmarks of an avowed CS include little to no talking, since any witty banter will be ignored as will any flirtations that do not result immediately in sex.

Quote: "Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't I been inside you?"

Since most CSs are old pros in the bar scene, they know that average Tips stir up the least trouble/attention. Their Tips are never great, but never poor; just like the sex should you decide to go home with one.

Barfly All-Stars: The VIP: Very Industrious Person

(vē ī pē) The Very Industrious Person (VIP) is a brother or sister in arms, a fellow sufferer at the drunken hands of the masses and a fellow reveler in drunken excess. In other words, a tender of the bar. Some VIPs might work at nicer or busier clubs than you, while others may be paying their dues at some crappy chain restaurant. And like all of us at one point or another, sometimes the VIP is in between jobs. But the VIP is always someone who has walked many miles in your shoes.

VIPs can be easy to spot if you know what subtle signs to look for, but as a general rule let them identify themselves as some of us just like to fly under the radar when we're out on our rare nights off. Look for a wry demeanor and excessive drink knowledge when in doubt.

Common variations: Worn-Out Waitress, Off-Shift Stripper, Upwardly Mobile Barback, and 'Tender to the Stars.

Behavior: Despite rumors to the contrary, not all barfolk are hard-drinking, foul-mouthed fountains of social mirth and denizens of drama. Some of us don't cuss.

Quote: "Wow, and I thought my bar was messed up."

Tips will almost always be very generous, as Industry workers like to promote good Tipping karma.

Barfly All-Stars: McCrackhead

(mik-krak-hed) McCrackhead (McC) is a wily burnout who will only ever come to your bar during the day when security will be either lax or non-existant. McC can be any number of things from a long-time drug addict to someone who once had a life until he stopped taking his medication and slipped back into the seas of madness that he'd been successfully staving off since grade school. Whichever iteration of McC you find yourself dealing with, removal from the premises should be your first priority as McCs can be both a danger to themselves and others as well as generally very annoying.

Unfortunately not all McCs will be ragged, dreadlocked street people who's odor gives them away at forty paces. Many times a McC will be just functional enough to pass as a sane human being until after they've ordered their first cocktail and begin to go into a long tirade about how they're being followed or why the Jews have destroyed their lives. The moment that you discover a McC in your establishment either remove them yourself or have management or the police do so if you do not feel up to the challenge or are wearing a really cute outfit that you don't want to mess up.

Common variations: The Hollow Suit, Old Green Teeth, Out-Patient Mary, Lowly Roller, and the Wilted Flower Child.

Behavior: Expect anything from never-ending litanies of paranoid delusions to outright physical attacks. As such it is important to stay at arm's length when ejecting a McC unless you have to tackle them to the ground until authorities arrive.

Quote: "Four more years of Bush!"

Assuming that the McC has any money, it's doubtful that you'll be seeing any of it as you remind him of his dead mother and/or father.

Barfly All-Stars: The Lost Sheep

(lost ˈshēp) The Lost Sheep (LS) can be someone as simple and unfortunate as a Lemondrop Girl or a Brotard who got separated from their pack, a yuppy who wandered into a leather bar or an elderly couple that mistook the storefront for the local bath house as a Denny's. More often than not, however, the LS is nothing more than a professional victim who wanders from place to place looking for anyone who will hear their never-ending tales of woe and misery. While many feel compelled to show a modicum of compassion for a person in need they soon regret themselves when after three hours of complaining the LS tearfully confesses that he/she has nowhere to live as her/his roommates just threw him/her out.

It is thankfully easy to spot an LS as they will almost certainly be the one person in a room full of cavorting and merriment that seems immune to any form of happiness. If the LS is attractive there will usually be an older gentleman buying the LS drinks in the hopes of a mutual pity fuck.

Common variations: Ex Jailbait, Rejected Fag Hag, Perpetual Runnaway, and most Strippers.

Behavior: LSs will sit around looking forlorn until someone feels bad enough to start talking to them, if no one strikes up a conversation before the LS spends their remaining rent money on booze the LS will go seek out a group of people having fun and begin to rain on their parade by reading off the laundry list of reasons that the world should feel as wretched as they do. The only way to get rid of an LS at that point is for the unlucky group of friends to excuse themselves to the bathroom one by one and not return in a complex game of Social Hot Potato where the loser is stuck babysitting the LS until such a time as they can escape while 'ordering another round'.

CAUTION: No matter how cute or sad an LS may be, under no circumstances should you offer them shelter unless you feel a sudden need for a new roommate that won't pay rent and won't leave.

Quote: "...and that's when my mother called to tell me that she was dying of cancer and that my dad had lost all of the family savings in Vegas..."

You have as much chance of getting a tip out of this person as they do of taking control of their own lives.

Barfly All-Stars: Leather Bopeep

(le-thər ˈbō-ˈpēp) Once found only in bars that exclusively cater to the leather BDSM community, it is not uncommon to see a Leather Bopeep (LB) wandering around your bar clad in only a body harness and assless chaps in a Take Back the Night style effort to further force tolerance on the world at large.

LBs are easily recognized by the fact that they are the only person in leather fetish gear in a bar full of yuppies and hipsters. Staring is however considered gauche and low class and is often ill-advised as you may see far more than you bargained for upon too close of an examination. Once in a while an LB will be accompanied by a similarly dressed slave of theirs out on the town for some light humiliation and watersports.

Common variations: Dominant Dick, Human Toilet, Buttplug Betty, and Socially-Retarded Submissive.

Behavior: Will generally nurse one drink while wandering about your bar/club staring down anyone that accidentally makes eye contact.

CAUTION: If your bar has urinal troughs in the men's restroom you may find an LB laying out in it in order to force others to partake of his particular fetish.

Quote: "Mngle bmmnhmmrg." (Obscured by ball-gag).

Tips will be average to low as studded leather cockrings and dildos are not cheap.

Barfly All-Stars: The Burnt Circuit

(ˈbərn't sər-kət) Burnt Circuits (BC) are almost exclusively muscle-bound men who's lives revolve around going to traveling Circuit Parties, taking enough narcotics to kill an elephant and spending the week working out and tanning to the exact same music they were listening to all weekend. After a year or two of this most BCs look almost identical aside from mild variations in tanning color and tribal arm-band tattoo patterns.

Common variations: None.

Behavior: Most BCs will take the earliest opportunity to remove their shirts at the first sign of repetitive and loud dance music. Aside from constantly talking about which particular club diva is big in the Cirtcuit world or exactly how high they were last weekend most BCs will have little to nothing to say and will promptly return to the dance floor looking for other BCs to gyrate arrhythmically with.

CAUTION: Many BCs will be combining narcotics with alcohol, should one slip into a drug-induced seizure make sure to point and laugh derisively before calling 911. In order to avoid awkwardness, make sure that the person is, in fact, a BC before laughing at any seizures.

Quote: "I know the owner!

"What?!

"I said I know the owner! Oh nevermind, this is my favorite song!"

Tips will generally be on the low side of average as being a BC is an expensive and hollow lifestyle choice.

Barfly All-Stars: The Eager Out-of-Towners

(ē-gər au't äv tau'nərs) Eager Out-of-Towners (EOoTs) are either a couple that swings or just long-time friends with benefits who are visiting your city for the weekend and are looking to score.

When determining if a couple of new customers are EOoTs look for maps, wide eyes, and/or t-shirts that loudly proclaim their geography of origin. Often EOoTs will disclose their foreigner status when asking which other clubs are fun to visit thus saving you the trouble of figuring it out for yourself. Once properly intoxicated, one or both of the EOoTs will most likely make a pass at you if they have no luck procuring sexual partners from the club's attendees. Occasionally you will be asked where one might purchase illicit narcotics as it's generally a safe bet that service industry workers know where to get the best drugs.

Common variations include: Drrty German Swingers, Aloof French-Canadian Freaks, Randy Midwesterners, and Big City Slummers.

Behavior: The EOoT with the most personality or the best looks will often troll through the bar attempting to find one or more patrons willing to go back to the EOoTs' hotel room for assorted shenanigans. The quieter or less attractive EOoT will generally plant themselves at your bar and attempt to make awkward small talk. Should you decide to join them in their multi-person horizontal fandango the odds of enjoying yourself are generally decent as people tend to have fewer inhibitions when not on their home turf.

CAUTION: EOoTs are occasionally Stumblinas that are exploring the drinking options of other cities. While it's true that you will never see them again once they've been over-served, explaining how the vomit-covered unconscious person on the dance floor is not your fault to your manager can be tricky and should only be attempted by experts in the ancient arts of BS.

Quote: "Oh fancy! We sure don't have go-go dancers like that back in Peoria."

Tips will generally be decent, the overflow of sexual urges can often leak into an EOoTs' pocket book.

Barfly All-Stars: The Regular

(re-gyə-lər) The Regular will most likely have been coming to your bar since before you worked there, if not since before you were born. The Regular will often have a very set drinking order and/or style and deviations will not be tolerated.

Like any person that you see 5-7 days a week, Regulars can be the best or worst people you will know in a town. Unfortunately the only way to determine which each Regular is going to be is to start up a conversation with them. Luckily for you you'll have plenty of time to do so as they'll be there all night.

Common variations: Each Regulor should be considered individually.

Behavior: Varies.

Quote: "Back when this bar was called the Blue Turtle..."

Either good or poor, Tips will be consistent.

Barfly All-Stars: Brotards

(brō-tärd) Often seen traveling in packs of 3-9 members, Brotards are men who's best years were in high school and are blithely unaware that time is catching up to them fast. Brotards tend to prefer Sports Bars or predatory clubs where Lemondrop Girls can be found.

Brotards are most easily recognized by their attire; composed almost exclusively of Abercrombie and Fitch, Hollister, or ill-fitting sports jerseys. They will generally drink beer by the 14oz pint as it looks larger than the 14oz bottle and therefore gives the impression of more cheap bang for their cheap buck. Rounds are often ordered together and paid together as the complex social pecking order is decided by which bro owes which other bro a 'solid' for getting him wasted enough to not be bothered by the deep and blatant currents of homoerotisism that define their daily lives.

Common variations: Generally too minor to be noticeable by all but the most studious of bro enthusiasts.

Behavior: Expect a large amount of fist-pumping, chest-bumping and high-fiving. The strict social protocols that all Brotards follow mandate that any physical contact must be mildly violent and hyphenated.

CAUTION: At least one Brotard in the pack will eventually become violent no matter what the circumstances may be. Make sure that security is keeping an eye on them at all times.

Quote: "Hey bro, my girlfriend's out of town for the weekend. Wanna come back to my room and smoke a bowl?"

Tips will be fair to middlin'.

Barfly All-Stars: Stumblina

(stəm-bəl-ē-nə) This unfortunate soul was born without any sort of internal warning system and will drink himself into an incoherent stupor within ten minutes of sitting down at your bar. Stumblina is often a very experienced drunk and will show no signs of visible intoxication until he vomits on your bar and then passes out backwards into a table of yuppies that just came in to grab some beer nuts and watch the Game. Stumblina is named for the odd, stumbling gait he often uses to exit the bar if he is cut off before he can achieve his goal of insensate oblivion. Stumblinas will only patronize businesses that serve alcohol.

Early-stage Stumblinas can be very hard to spot as they tend to look like any other normal citizen until you're hauling their unconscious form into the back alley to hide the evidence. Late-stage Stumbinas tend to find another of their own kind to latch on to in order to stave off the crushing depression that can occur when you realize that you're a fifty year old alcoholic with no friends and a dead-end job because you're too embarrassing to be around for more than a few minutes at a time. Many Stumblinas tend to come from the South.

Common variations: Crashing Crazy, Constant Hangover, Hollow Shell, Walking Cautionary Tale, and SOQIT (Sad Old Queen In Training).

Behavior: Stumblina will always be incredibly friendly and talkative to the bartender in an attempt to develop a quick rapport and ensure heavy pours. Stumblinas are often decent tippers as they learn quickly that being easy with their money is a good way to keep the flow of booze strong and steady. Many will accept being cut off with quiet sadness as the current establishment is often only one in a long line of bars to have cut them off that day, and will proceed to stumble towards the door to seek out new sources of alcohol. They will almost exclusively drink only one drink (ie Rum and Coke, Whiskey and Ginger, etc.) as they generally have a clearly-definied idea of how nihilism should taste.

Quote: "I'll just have one more before I go."

Tips tend to be average to large.

Barfly All-Stars: The Lemondrop Girls

(le-mən-dräp gərls) Often seen traveling in packs of 3-9 members, Lemondrop Girls (LGs) are a special form of mob consciousness that is most prevalent around sleazy straight clubs, sleazy gay bars, or anywhere with horny door security and thumping music.

Most often identifiable by a constant look of hostile disbelief that the world will not throw money and happiness at them, along with minimal attire and at least one very fat member that they keep around to make everyone else look better by comparison. Their piercing shrieks for Lemondrops, Mojitos, Sex on The Beaches and Kamikazes can be heard over even the loudest dance floor music. The majority of LGs will have obtained Bachelor's Degrees in Liberal Arts, Political Science, or occasionally Women's Studies.

Common variations: Nearly Knocked-Up Floozies, Already Knocked-Up Bachelorettes, Cruising Cougars, and Violent Vixens.

Behavior: LGs will never willingly leave their pack, as solitude can result in being taken home by someone as miserable as they are, or the much worse fate of coming to the sad realization that dressing up in hooker clothes and acting like a mentally deficient canary will get them nowhere fast. LGs will always attempt to muscle their way to the front of the service well in order to demand drinks that involve muddling, contain in excess of 7 different liqueurs, or that they had once while vacationing in Fort Lauderdale and cannot remember the name of but assume that all bartenders are omniscient databanks of every drink ever invented (which is true, but we feel it's rude to assume as much). LGs will always order all drinks together and will always insist on paying with separate credit cards to be closed out each round.

CAUTION: When cut off or too drunk LGs will become verbally and in many cases physically abusive to everyone around them. Make sure there's a bouncer nearby when you tell them that their cards have been declined.

Quote: "Ok, ok, ok, ok, ok, wait hold on, ok I need eleven Purple Alaskan Sluts and five Cosmotinis, one with salt, one with no lime, one with extra lime, and make them all strong!"

Tips will be minimal to non-existant.

Throwing Boozes

It's Tuesday night Vodka Bust, the bar is packed wall-to-wall when I walk in the door for my shift, the DJ has the music cranked up so loud that I'm forced to lip-read slurred orders from the customers, all the prices are coming up wrong on my cash register and someone's moved all the liqueur bottles around. No, this isn't a workmare, it's just another typical day at the Redboxx. Welcome to my life.

After the third stingy patron swears that they're gonna tip me really well at the end of the night and the obnoxious twink blows his cigarette smoke straight into my eyes before stubbing it out on the bar, I take a quick breather to watch a man with the personality of a dead termite dump yet another guy that's clearly too good for him. That makes the third poor soul he's left heartbroken over a vodka seven this week. I really have to wonder how some guys do it (and I'm not talking about the loser with a full dance card, anyone can treat other people like used condoms to get attention), how does a reasonably intelligent, good-looking guy find himself getting the tired old "I'm just not over my ex (of three years ago)" speech time and again and not realize there's something woefully wrong with the path in life he's stumbled onto?

Unfortunately I don't have the leisure time to ponder this truly monumental question as the water break is over and the stoned barback just broke a tray of glasses over my ice well. I launch myself back into the maelstrom of poor choices with a sigh and hope I get through the night without doing anyone any lasting harm. The week is just starting after all, and I've got a lot more booze to throw before this night is done.

Today's drink:
Morning of Regret

1oz Bourbon
1oz Midori
1oz Amaretto
Cranberry Juice

Pour over ice, top off with cranberry juice, shake and enjoy. A few of these and you won't care how badly the sun is gonna look the next day.