(stü-pər-stär) Living under the delusion that people care who they are, the Stuporstar (ST) selfishly believes that the world is poorer for not worshiping the ground they walk on and will do everything in his or her power to remind you of it.
STs are easy to spot: they're usually shoving their way to the front of the line while dressed like Brittany Spears on one of her worst crack benders. Projecting a palpable aura of misplaced entitlement felt from up to a mile away, the ST is out to ruin the world for not loving them enough while making a complete fool of him or herself. Too much lip gloss and designer knock-off everything together with a crowd of idiots equally as loud and vapid create a 'perfect storm' of regrettable human waste.
Common variations: Legend In His Own Mind, Local Celebrity, GayT&T, cast member of any reality TV show.
Behavior: Like a four year old holding his breath until they get what they want, only this four year old is twenty three, has a cheap weave and clothes two sizes too small for even the most anorexic teen beauty contestant.
CAUTION: The ST will rarely notice subtle hints that they are not welcome at your bar, so use language that is direct and to the point. For example: "Hey douche-tard, why don't you go die in a fire" works like a charm.
Quote: "Oh. eM. Gee. Do you know who I am!?!"
Monday, July 28, 2008
Barfly All-Stars: The Keyboard Kruiser
(kē-ˌbord krü-zər) A modern mutation of the Cruisey Suzy, the Keyboard Kruiser (KK) is a person who does the majority of their flirtations online through social networking and/or sex websites. Every once in a while a KK will leave their screen-lit den in a misguided attempt to prove to their online compatriots that they do in fact meet people in RL (Real Life). However, such ventures rarely bear fruit because learning to socialize with people whose faces they've never seen without the none-too-subtle help of Photoshop tends to leave them awkward.
An inability to make eye contact coupled with a tendency to blurt out "lol", "wtf", and "pwned," make KKs easy to spot even in the noisiest and most crowded bars. Many KKs are so used to interacting in a relatively consequence-free environment that they tend to over-share disturbing personal information without warning or provocation. This, combined with a tendency to be blithely unaware of human interaction outside of the text-message, makes many KKs obnoxious if mostly harmless bar guests.
Common variations: 400 Lb "Jock", 4Same, Wikiphile and Wrinkled Youth.
Behavior: Many KKs will be either overbearingly opinionated about any conversation within earshot or will find the nearest dark corner to huddle in while wishing that the bar had WiFi. Expect poor social skills and many, many awkward silences.
Quote: "zomgroflamaowtfbbq!!!!1"
Since most bars do not accept PayPal, getting a KK to wrap their head around the idea of Tipping can be a challenge.
An inability to make eye contact coupled with a tendency to blurt out "lol", "wtf", and "pwned," make KKs easy to spot even in the noisiest and most crowded bars. Many KKs are so used to interacting in a relatively consequence-free environment that they tend to over-share disturbing personal information without warning or provocation. This, combined with a tendency to be blithely unaware of human interaction outside of the text-message, makes many KKs obnoxious if mostly harmless bar guests.
Common variations: 400 Lb "Jock", 4Same, Wikiphile and Wrinkled Youth.
Behavior: Many KKs will be either overbearingly opinionated about any conversation within earshot or will find the nearest dark corner to huddle in while wishing that the bar had WiFi. Expect poor social skills and many, many awkward silences.
Quote: "zomgroflamaowtfbbq!!!!1"
Since most bars do not accept PayPal, getting a KK to wrap their head around the idea of Tipping can be a challenge.
Barfly All-Stars: Cruisey Suzy
(krüzē süzē) When a person's one and only purpose for leaving the house is to get naked and sweaty as soon as possible, they've entered into the realm of the Cruisey Suzy (CS). The CS pursues physical gratification to the exclusion of all else, with an aversion to strings that makes Pinocchio look like a bondage enthusiast.
While a CS comes in every shape and size, they're always easy to spot by the fact that they're never seen talking to potential receptacles of lust for more than a minute. Anyone that needs to talk longer than that is clearly going to take more effort than the CS is willing to invest. Look for shifting eyes that linger too long, coupled with mismatched attire scrounged from years of collecting other people's leftover clothing off the floor the next morning.
Common variations: Dirty Daddy, Cougar on Patrol, Ye Olde Towne Bicycle, and Emotional Biohazard.
Behavior: The hallmarks of an avowed CS include little to no talking, since any witty banter will be ignored as will any flirtations that do not result immediately in sex.
Quote: "Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't I been inside you?"
Since most CSs are old pros in the bar scene, they know that average Tips stir up the least trouble/attention. Their Tips are never great, but never poor; just like the sex should you decide to go home with one.
While a CS comes in every shape and size, they're always easy to spot by the fact that they're never seen talking to potential receptacles of lust for more than a minute. Anyone that needs to talk longer than that is clearly going to take more effort than the CS is willing to invest. Look for shifting eyes that linger too long, coupled with mismatched attire scrounged from years of collecting other people's leftover clothing off the floor the next morning.
Common variations: Dirty Daddy, Cougar on Patrol, Ye Olde Towne Bicycle, and Emotional Biohazard.
Behavior: The hallmarks of an avowed CS include little to no talking, since any witty banter will be ignored as will any flirtations that do not result immediately in sex.
Quote: "Correct me if I'm wrong, but haven't I been inside you?"
Since most CSs are old pros in the bar scene, they know that average Tips stir up the least trouble/attention. Their Tips are never great, but never poor; just like the sex should you decide to go home with one.
Barfly All-Stars: The VIP: Very Industrious Person
(vē ī pē) The Very Industrious Person (VIP) is a brother or sister in arms, a fellow sufferer at the drunken hands of the masses and a fellow reveler in drunken excess. In other words, a tender of the bar. Some VIPs might work at nicer or busier clubs than you, while others may be paying their dues at some crappy chain restaurant. And like all of us at one point or another, sometimes the VIP is in between jobs. But the VIP is always someone who has walked many miles in your shoes.
VIPs can be easy to spot if you know what subtle signs to look for, but as a general rule let them identify themselves as some of us just like to fly under the radar when we're out on our rare nights off. Look for a wry demeanor and excessive drink knowledge when in doubt.
Common variations: Worn-Out Waitress, Off-Shift Stripper, Upwardly Mobile Barback, and 'Tender to the Stars.
Behavior: Despite rumors to the contrary, not all barfolk are hard-drinking, foul-mouthed fountains of social mirth and denizens of drama. Some of us don't cuss.
Quote: "Wow, and I thought my bar was messed up."
Tips will almost always be very generous, as Industry workers like to promote good Tipping karma.
VIPs can be easy to spot if you know what subtle signs to look for, but as a general rule let them identify themselves as some of us just like to fly under the radar when we're out on our rare nights off. Look for a wry demeanor and excessive drink knowledge when in doubt.
Common variations: Worn-Out Waitress, Off-Shift Stripper, Upwardly Mobile Barback, and 'Tender to the Stars.
Behavior: Despite rumors to the contrary, not all barfolk are hard-drinking, foul-mouthed fountains of social mirth and denizens of drama. Some of us don't cuss.
Quote: "Wow, and I thought my bar was messed up."
Tips will almost always be very generous, as Industry workers like to promote good Tipping karma.
Barfly All-Stars: McCrackhead
(mik-krak-hed) McCrackhead (McC) is a wily burnout who will only ever come to your bar during the day when security will be either lax or non-existant. McC can be any number of things from a long-time drug addict to someone who once had a life until he stopped taking his medication and slipped back into the seas of madness that he'd been successfully staving off since grade school. Whichever iteration of McC you find yourself dealing with, removal from the premises should be your first priority as McCs can be both a danger to themselves and others as well as generally very annoying.
Unfortunately not all McCs will be ragged, dreadlocked street people who's odor gives them away at forty paces. Many times a McC will be just functional enough to pass as a sane human being until after they've ordered their first cocktail and begin to go into a long tirade about how they're being followed or why the Jews have destroyed their lives. The moment that you discover a McC in your establishment either remove them yourself or have management or the police do so if you do not feel up to the challenge or are wearing a really cute outfit that you don't want to mess up.
Common variations: The Hollow Suit, Old Green Teeth, Out-Patient Mary, Lowly Roller, and the Wilted Flower Child.
Behavior: Expect anything from never-ending litanies of paranoid delusions to outright physical attacks. As such it is important to stay at arm's length when ejecting a McC unless you have to tackle them to the ground until authorities arrive.
Quote: "Four more years of Bush!"
Assuming that the McC has any money, it's doubtful that you'll be seeing any of it as you remind him of his dead mother and/or father.
Unfortunately not all McCs will be ragged, dreadlocked street people who's odor gives them away at forty paces. Many times a McC will be just functional enough to pass as a sane human being until after they've ordered their first cocktail and begin to go into a long tirade about how they're being followed or why the Jews have destroyed their lives. The moment that you discover a McC in your establishment either remove them yourself or have management or the police do so if you do not feel up to the challenge or are wearing a really cute outfit that you don't want to mess up.
Common variations: The Hollow Suit, Old Green Teeth, Out-Patient Mary, Lowly Roller, and the Wilted Flower Child.
Behavior: Expect anything from never-ending litanies of paranoid delusions to outright physical attacks. As such it is important to stay at arm's length when ejecting a McC unless you have to tackle them to the ground until authorities arrive.
Quote: "Four more years of Bush!"
Assuming that the McC has any money, it's doubtful that you'll be seeing any of it as you remind him of his dead mother and/or father.
Barfly All-Stars: The Lost Sheep
(lost ˈshēp) The Lost Sheep (LS) can be someone as simple and unfortunate as a Lemondrop Girl or a Brotard who got separated from their pack, a yuppy who wandered into a leather bar or an elderly couple that mistook the storefront for the local bath house as a Denny's. More often than not, however, the LS is nothing more than a professional victim who wanders from place to place looking for anyone who will hear their never-ending tales of woe and misery. While many feel compelled to show a modicum of compassion for a person in need they soon regret themselves when after three hours of complaining the LS tearfully confesses that he/she has nowhere to live as her/his roommates just threw him/her out.
It is thankfully easy to spot an LS as they will almost certainly be the one person in a room full of cavorting and merriment that seems immune to any form of happiness. If the LS is attractive there will usually be an older gentleman buying the LS drinks in the hopes of a mutual pity fuck.
Common variations: Ex Jailbait, Rejected Fag Hag, Perpetual Runnaway, and most Strippers.
Behavior: LSs will sit around looking forlorn until someone feels bad enough to start talking to them, if no one strikes up a conversation before the LS spends their remaining rent money on booze the LS will go seek out a group of people having fun and begin to rain on their parade by reading off the laundry list of reasons that the world should feel as wretched as they do. The only way to get rid of an LS at that point is for the unlucky group of friends to excuse themselves to the bathroom one by one and not return in a complex game of Social Hot Potato where the loser is stuck babysitting the LS until such a time as they can escape while 'ordering another round'.
CAUTION: No matter how cute or sad an LS may be, under no circumstances should you offer them shelter unless you feel a sudden need for a new roommate that won't pay rent and won't leave.
Quote: "...and that's when my mother called to tell me that she was dying of cancer and that my dad had lost all of the family savings in Vegas..."
You have as much chance of getting a tip out of this person as they do of taking control of their own lives.
It is thankfully easy to spot an LS as they will almost certainly be the one person in a room full of cavorting and merriment that seems immune to any form of happiness. If the LS is attractive there will usually be an older gentleman buying the LS drinks in the hopes of a mutual pity fuck.
Common variations: Ex Jailbait, Rejected Fag Hag, Perpetual Runnaway, and most Strippers.
Behavior: LSs will sit around looking forlorn until someone feels bad enough to start talking to them, if no one strikes up a conversation before the LS spends their remaining rent money on booze the LS will go seek out a group of people having fun and begin to rain on their parade by reading off the laundry list of reasons that the world should feel as wretched as they do. The only way to get rid of an LS at that point is for the unlucky group of friends to excuse themselves to the bathroom one by one and not return in a complex game of Social Hot Potato where the loser is stuck babysitting the LS until such a time as they can escape while 'ordering another round'.
CAUTION: No matter how cute or sad an LS may be, under no circumstances should you offer them shelter unless you feel a sudden need for a new roommate that won't pay rent and won't leave.
Quote: "...and that's when my mother called to tell me that she was dying of cancer and that my dad had lost all of the family savings in Vegas..."
You have as much chance of getting a tip out of this person as they do of taking control of their own lives.
Barfly All-Stars: Leather Bopeep
(le-thər ˈbō-ˈpēp) Once found only in bars that exclusively cater to the leather BDSM community, it is not uncommon to see a Leather Bopeep (LB) wandering around your bar clad in only a body harness and assless chaps in a Take Back the Night style effort to further force tolerance on the world at large.
LBs are easily recognized by the fact that they are the only person in leather fetish gear in a bar full of yuppies and hipsters. Staring is however considered gauche and low class and is often ill-advised as you may see far more than you bargained for upon too close of an examination. Once in a while an LB will be accompanied by a similarly dressed slave of theirs out on the town for some light humiliation and watersports.
Common variations: Dominant Dick, Human Toilet, Buttplug Betty, and Socially-Retarded Submissive.
Behavior: Will generally nurse one drink while wandering about your bar/club staring down anyone that accidentally makes eye contact.
CAUTION: If your bar has urinal troughs in the men's restroom you may find an LB laying out in it in order to force others to partake of his particular fetish.
Quote: "Mngle bmmnhmmrg." (Obscured by ball-gag).
Tips will be average to low as studded leather cockrings and dildos are not cheap.
LBs are easily recognized by the fact that they are the only person in leather fetish gear in a bar full of yuppies and hipsters. Staring is however considered gauche and low class and is often ill-advised as you may see far more than you bargained for upon too close of an examination. Once in a while an LB will be accompanied by a similarly dressed slave of theirs out on the town for some light humiliation and watersports.
Common variations: Dominant Dick, Human Toilet, Buttplug Betty, and Socially-Retarded Submissive.
Behavior: Will generally nurse one drink while wandering about your bar/club staring down anyone that accidentally makes eye contact.
CAUTION: If your bar has urinal troughs in the men's restroom you may find an LB laying out in it in order to force others to partake of his particular fetish.
Quote: "Mngle bmmnhmmrg." (Obscured by ball-gag).
Tips will be average to low as studded leather cockrings and dildos are not cheap.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)
